Forgiveness

Sometimes, when I first wake up in the morning, I have somewhat unusual thoughts. You know, when you're kind of awake, but kind of not? Yeah. That's when I tend to think of "interesting" things...

Yesterday morning, the topic of forgiveness came into my mind. I was thinking about what it really means to forgive someone. It's easy to say to someone, "I forgive you", but not really mean it. There's been times when I have told someone I've forgiven them for the sake of preserving peace, yet I still had anger and resentment in my heart. Is that really forgiveness?

Which reminds me about my past relationships. In most cases, relationships end because something bad/wrong/uncomfortable happened, something that made one or both of the people want to be out of that relationship. In my case, I ended both of my past relationships for certain reasons. It took me a while to forgive my exes, but now I feel like I have come to the point of being able to forgive them, let go, and move on. Forgiveness isn't exactly forgetfulness, either, though...

My most recent ex came to my door not too long ago with flowers in hand for me, hoping we could get back together. I politely told him that I was no longer interested in being in a relationship with him anymore (hence why I left him...LOL), and that I was working on moving on and letting God heal my heart. I suggested he did the same. He looked pretty sad until I said, "I forgive you"; then his face lit up with happiness and he said, "so does that mean...?" Nope!

"I forgive you" and "I want you back" are two totally different statements. I feel like you can forgive someone, but accepting or condoning what they did as "okay" isn't exactly necessary... just as keeping them in your life isn't necessary. You can forgive someone, but you don't have to keep that person in your life, either. Forgiveness is essential to upkeeping mental health, but forgiving someone doesn't mean "you can walk all over me and keep treating me like crap if you want". Am I making sense?

There's been other times when I've thought I've forgiven someone, only to say bitter things about that person later down the road in a conversation. Such as... let's say my mom and I are discussing something that happened to one of us in the past. We will openly admit, "I have forgiven that person," yet we talk about that person, or rather the situation, with fresh anger as if it just happened the other day. Perhaps we aren't angry at that person anymore... we are just angry about what happened, angry about how that person wronged us. But can being angry about the wrongdoing still mean you forgive that person? I suppose it can. If someone wronged you somehow, anger is natural. But harboring a grudge for years isn't exactly forgiveness, either.

Either way... I feel like forgiving people who have done wrong things to you is very important. It may take some time to forgive someone... in some instances, it's taken me years to fully forgive certain people and completely get over what they did to me. But when you finally get to the point when you're able to exhale, let out a sigh of relief, and finally be able to realize you've forgiven someone, it's like a huge weight has been lifted. What they did or said to you no longer has any power over you. You are able to move on from the pain or anger they caused you, and all that deep hurt in your heart isn't keeping you from being happy. Yes, the pain may be there for a while... it may always be there. But when your heart heals enough to be able to forgive, it's a beautiful thing. It's a process.

I don't know. Those are just some basic thoughts on forgiveness...